In This Life Or The Next
by kissesandcake
Summary: Mary x Bash, spoilers for 1x16. After not seeing Bash for weeks after his wedding, Mary finds him by the lake where they first kissed.


_Author's Note: If I owned Reign or any of the characters, Mary and Sebastian would be married with five babies by now. Just kidding. About the five babies part, not about the not owning Reign part._

_l have no idea where this came from. I guess it was from all the feelings I have going on after watching **Monsters**. This is my first Reign fanfiction ever, so I hope this does the characters some justice :)_

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These days he spent most of his free time riding, as he often did when he was younger and less troubled, from the break of dawn until sunset. Though before he did it out of pleasure, and now it seemed each day more like an escape, a way to avoid the unwanted life forced at him. He knew everyone noticed, though they never said anything. But he didn't care. He'd already lost his freedom, his chance of happiness. He didn't owe them anything else.

Mary would go for a stroll around the gardens whenever she wanted to get away from the politics for a while, and today was no different from any other day. She found him close to the lake, and her first impulse was to turn back and leave before she was noticed. But this was the first time she saw him in so long, and she felt there were things unsaid between them during their last encounter after the wedding. Here she had a chance to talk to him, away from the prying eyes and ears of the castle.

She slowly approached him, still unsure if it was a wise decision to talk to him now after he admitted lying about his feelings. But this was Sebastian, her most loyal friend ever since she arrived back at French Court. The one person who had always helped her and had her best interest at heart. And all she did in return was break his.

"_Hello, Bash_", she said, bringing him out of deep thought.

_"Mary"_, he stood up, _"what are you doing here?_"

_"I just wanted to get some fresh air"_, she replied. She tried to figure out what to say next, and thought she could either stay there and talk about irrelevant things, ignore the important matters at hand, or she could address them quickly before she lost courage. _"Bash, no one has seen you in weeks. Kenna is wondering where you are, I... everyone is starting to worry."_

He kept his eyes fixed far ahead, not exactly seeming to register her concern.

_"Bash..."._

_"I wanted to be a better man." _Their eyes met briefly, and he immediately averted her gaze. "_I swore I would always put my family first. I've failed my duties... Mary, I'm so sorry. "_

___"Bash, that's not what I meant"_, Mary shook her head___. "I'm not talking about your responsibilities. I'm just worried because of how you left. I... I just want you to be happy."_

He chuckled softly._ "How can I ever be happy now? After having had a glimpse of what my life could have been... with you."_ Bash looked at her but didn't meet her eyes. _"Perhaps if we'd never been engaged I could have moved on, I could have been grateful to any small moment of joy I was given. I would have learned to be content with what I could have, as all bastards do, and not to wish for impossible things."_

Mary started to feel nauseous. _"I am so sorry, Bash."_ She was responsible, she knew that. He would not have been in this place if it weren't for her. He wouldn't have had his heart shattered, wouldn't have been repeatedly threatened, wouldn't have been forced to marry a woman he barely knew. She tried to save one brother, and ended up condemning the other to a world of pain. _"How will I live with myself, knowing this is how you feel? That you'll never be happy living like this?"_

_"But, Mary, I was"_, he said, finally looking into her eyes._ "However brief our engagement was, in those moments I was the happiest man on this Earth." _Bash smiled as he mentally relived their short-lived but promising betrothal. And just as quick as the smile had appeared on his face, it vanished._ "I suppose I've had my happiness... I should feel nothing but gratitude"_, he sighed,_ "most people don't get to experience this in a lifetime."_

Mary's throat felt tighter with each word she said. _"I never meant to hurt you. Bash... I need you to believe me. If I could... if I could go back in time I would... find a way to make things right."_

_"Mary, I am sure you are incapable of intentionally hurting anyone."_

_"But I did"_, she insisted. _"I hurt you. And now you're here, having to face this life you never planned, you never wanted..." _

_"I came back by my own choice, perfectly aware of all the risks."_ He took both her hands in his. _"I blame no one for what happened."_ When she didn't look reassured he repeated, _"no one, Mary"._

Mary nodded, and they remained silent for some time. Bash stepped closer to the edge of the lake, taking in the view, and preparing himself for the inevitable fate he would have to face. An unwanted marriage, and the love of his life so close to him everyday, but so out of reach.

_"Bash?"_, Mary interrupted his thoughts. _"Do you believe in past lives... other lives?"_, she started. _"Or that we go somewhere after we die?"_

_"I don't think I understand where this is coming from"_, he looked confused.

Mary looked at him with sad eyes. _"I can't help but wish we got a second chance... in another life. Away from the pain, and the kingdom responsibilities, and the crowns. Just you and me. A boy and a girl."_

_"I'd never really thought about it before"_, he replied after considering it for a moment. _"Maybe if you came back as a kitchen maid, or a villager"_, he joked, smiling sweetly. She smiled back at him, but it didn't reach her eyes. Her eyes were shining with the tears she so desperately tried to hold. He had his walls back up again.

_"I want to believe our lives could have a different outcome"_, some of the tears escaped, despite her best efforts. _"I want to believe we didn't lose our only chance. __I want to believe this is not the end. _"

Bash had to hold back his own tears from falling now._ "It offers me great comfort in this lifetime to imagine that somewhere, someday, our souls can be reunited and have a second chance at happiness." _Bash wiped away her tears, fighting the urge to hold her in his arms. He slowly started to make his way back to the castle, as Mary stood by the lake. Turning around to see her once more, he whispered, _"until then, just know that in this life... or the next... or in heaven, whatever happens to our souls, I will love you forever."_

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_Hope you liked it. Sorry for not writing a happy story, but I just needed to deal with the pain of the past few episodes. Please review if you read, constructive criticism appreciated :D_

_Here's to a happy outcome for this beautifully tragic love story!_


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